Baby's Mama
An Introduction
Recently, I discovered that I am pregnant. I have deduced that this stems from a particularly hearty jack-off session, which ended with me ejaculating into my belly button. A couple weeks of weeks later, I visited a doctor about my persistent cramps. After running some tests, the doctor told me that somehow, I had indeed managed to fertilize something inside me.
Scared of facing parenthood alone, I thought a dating game would be a great way to find a partner/mother in a limited amount of time. So, I asked Fritz Donnelly and Christina Ewald of HiChristina! to host the show and help build my family.
The show's format allowed for three contestants to compete at a time. But I didn't want to have such a narrow selection. If a contestant was proving to be unsatisfactory, they were replaced by a member of the audience. Below, there is a sample of the events (and results) used to determine who was suited to mother my child.
Entry Forms and Audience Questions
When people arrived to the show, they filled out a brief entry form. Here's a composite of several potential contestants:
Everyone was encouraged to submit probing questions that the hosts could use to determine who would make the perfect lover, partner, and mother:
Let's see how some of our contestants held up under interrogation!
What was your most interesting first date?
Contestant #1: It was about five years ago... first we went to a Cat Power show, where Chan Marshall did her usual thing where she, like, rolled around and outlasted the audience. And then we got vegetarian Indian food. Then, [since] it was middle of winter and his car got frozen so we had to push the car. We felt pretty awesome after that. So, naturally we went back to his place and watched Disney's Robin Hood in English and French... and then we made out a little bit. The end.
Would you get married by Elvis in Las Vegas?
Contestant #3: I would say yes, but I know there is a Star Trek Enterprise Bridge in Las Vegas that you can get married on. That would be more awesome. But I would do Elvis, too.
If you could change one thing about how you were raised, what would it be and why?
Contestant #1:: I guess I wish I had not been raised in an abstinence only household, so I wouldn't have had to steal "Our Bodies, Ourselves".
Contestant #2:: I would have preferred if my mother hadn't been a coke addict.
Contestant #3: I would have liked to have been raised so [non-family] people could have entered our house.
Me: Points for all of them. Thats a lot of sharing for a game show!
Milk Run
Feeding time is an important activity to bond a parent and child. For this event, contestants transported mouthfuls of milk from one end of the room to the other, where a volunteer wore a modified bra. These bras are prototypes for a device that will allow me to feed my child.
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Competitive C-Section
Just in case we can't make it to a hospital, I need to know that my partner won't be too squeamish to perform an emergency C-Section. Contestants had to cut through several layers of papier-mache and safely extract a balloon to prove their ability to make precise incisions under pressure.
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Sing-A-Long
I don't want to partner myself with just anyone, so I had our contestants serenade me with some of my favorite love songs. Their list of choices was:
- Jackie Wilson - "(You're Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher"
- The Beach Boys - "Wouldn't It Be Nice"
- Queen - "You're My Best Friend"
- Modern English - "Melt With You"
Hugging
Sometimes, a lover's embrace can accurately show you how they feel. I had each of the contestants hug me. It was really tough deciding between these two:
In the end, I had to ask the audience to help me choose who's hug contained more love. They agreed on Lily (the second contestant from the video).
Proposals
As the competition came to a close, each contestant had the opportunity to propose to me. Each was asked to set the scene before popping question. Here is a picture of Contestant #1 proposing while we are on a roller coaster:
One of the other contestants asked that I pretend to be asleep so she could wake me up with her proposal. And the third contestant asked me to marry her at a Ray LaMontagne concert, by having the entire audience hold up signs that spell out "WILL YOU MARRY ME"? They were all romantic, but I was won over by all the effort it would take to mobilize an entire crowd of Ray LaMontagne fans!
Here's a photo of us "at the concert":
My Baby Gets a Mama!
With input from the hosts and audience through the night, I was able to pick a mama from this highly eligible group: SHANNON DUVAL!
By good providence, a certified Justice of the Peace showed up at the end of the evening. In a very lovely ceremony, we declared our love for each other and our commitment to my our unborn child!
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Special thanks to Fritz and Christina for hosting the event, Agata Adamowicz (photography), Ben Rosenthal (videography), and everyone who competed to spend their days building a family with me!